I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
