Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
