Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
