well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
