I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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