Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize