I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
