Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize