my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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