I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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