So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
