I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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