office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
