I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
