Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
