watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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