We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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