I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
