So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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