Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
