Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
