Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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