My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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