My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
