I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
