at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
