My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
