between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
