Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
