i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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