your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
