I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
