I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Even my vagina gasped.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
