sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
