When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
