Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize