Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize