Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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