haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
