in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
