Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
