i barfeds in our rink
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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