i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize