he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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