Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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