I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
