We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
