booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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