I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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