fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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