No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
