I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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