Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
