The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm both gender and math confused
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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