i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They have beer where we have blood.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
