Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
