umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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