I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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