Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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