Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
