the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize