Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
